Saturday, August 1, 2009

An apology from me – to me

Well this is like my heart spilled out. People often say that when the storm passes by do you get to know what went wrong. This in a way is kinda close to it. I aint such a good writer that I can actually pen down each of my emotions today…… so for the lesser mortals like me, we seek solace from music greats. One such being Mettalica.
I really donno why I like this song so much. After a lot of grey cell pumping, I thought maybe the one person whom I need to apologise most to is myself – A wise man once said, you let things happen….. things just don’t happen by themselves…. Like we let the storm happen and then apologise, something similar.

This ones from Mettalica – Reload, its called Low Mans lyrics. I really don’t know why I listen to Mettalica so much now. I remember a time when I was a country music fan and couldn’t stand the likes of Mettalica and Iron Maiden. I thought these were more black, more devilish…. Something like disrupting peace. On the other hand, I cant handle country music today and Mettalica kinda soothes me down……. U never know whats really black / devilish / peaceful……….. Dissented Unisons I guess…..

Enjoy the lyrics.... Have highlighted my favorite parts in bold and heres the link to the song on you tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=If1vafTxHjw

My eyes seek reality, My fingers seek my veins,
There's a dog at your back step, He must come in from the rain
I fall cause I let go, The net below has rot away
So my eyes seek reality, And my fingers seek my veins

The trash fire is warm, But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bear to see, What I've let me be, So wicked and worn

So as I write to you, Of what is done and to do, Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man, cause low man is due, Please forgive me

My eyes seek reality, My fingers feel for faith
Touch clean with a dirty hand, I touch the clean to the waste

The trash fire is warm, But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bear to see, What I've let me be, So wicked and worn

So as I write to you, Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand, and won't cry for this man, cause low man is due
Please forgive me, Please forgive me, Please forgive me

So low the sky is all I see, All I want from you is forgive me
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain, Though he just wants right back out again

And I cry, to the alleyway, Confess all to the rain
But I lie, lie straight to the mirror, The one I've broken, to match my face


The trash fire is warm, But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bear to see, What I've let me be, So wicked and worn

So as I write to you, Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand, And won't cry for this man, cause low man is due,
Please forgive me, Please forgive me,

So low the sky is all I see, All I want from you is forgive me
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain, Though he just wants right back out again

My eyes seek reality, My fingers seek my veins

Friday, April 24, 2009

The Rational vs The Emotional

Many a people have told me that I am a very rational person and lack emotions and practicality. They also tell me quite often that things according to me stand only in Blacks and whites and a grey doesn’t exist. To all my well-wishers I bow down and say thanks for your opinions - they are highly rated but I think the concept has been a little misunderstood. Allow me to explain :)

The debate that I hold is not between the rational and the emotional. Rather it is more about following the right path - the path of righteousness, which is not a rosy one and demands a lot of one. Very often in my encounters with different kind of people at various junctures, I have met people who can very easily dismiss this thought. The reason being lack of practicality - they kind of preempt results and the results then become impractical. So why do it? The bigger question here is how long can you ignore it? If one were to tell me that he did not see the right path even in the middle of all the chaos in his life - it would be difficult to digest. It is just that we dismiss the thought.
So then what becomes of the situation we are stranded in? What is the difference between the definitions of my well-wishers and that of mine own? The difference is the preemption of the rational as an extremist and the emotional as accommodative. They hold this view.
Lets look at it this way, all of us at many times have come across incidences in our lives wherein we were loaded with an emotional baggage and were asked to make a choice between the right and the not so right (most often this came as a result of the emotional bombardment). What did we choose then? Did we choose to be better men or did we choose to be a better son/daughter/brother/lover/husband.........? Were we blinded and did not see the right path? What was it that we leveraged out of the situation? What would have been the best thing to do?

Emotional incidences and situations in my belief just pose a challenge to your thoughts and beliefs - how strong are they? Would you break down or would you continue o do what is right? Maybe there'll be a result as you desired, maybe not. You never know - but there is certainly one surety you'll have and that would be that you own self esteem and honour in your own eyes would not diminish. You'll sleep peacefully. We may choose to ignore the righteous path today but tomorrow it'll surely haunt us and eat us from within.

Coming down to the colours - the blacks, whites and the greys..... Its not people who are either black or white. It’s the above reactions which make you stand in these sections at various junctures of your life. Whenever I choose the righteous path, I score a white and whenever I succumb to my surroundings and end up sacrificing my righteousness, I score a black. It’s like a continous game that goes on. If by your experience, you can tell me one man in history that we can classify in only one of the brackets - I would be amazed. My role model is Che Guevera - He scored a lot of whites. He left his promising career as a doctor, left the aristocracy he would have had as lineage, fought for what he believed in, never gave up in testing times, worked towards the upliftment of the poor and the downtrodden and many more..... Lotsa whites. HE KILLED MANY INNOCENT PEOPLE WHILE DOING ALL THIS. Now there’s a black. Maybe had Che been alive, he would have showed us many more blacks...... So the point I'm trying to drive home here is that noone can be neither wrong nor right. He is either wrong or right. In a way, the summation of our lives is nothing but an equation of these whites and blacks. How do we correct the blacks and how do we try not to commit more of them - the only path is by choosing the whites. It’s not so extremist you see...... :)

The above makes you a very forceful person - determined to go beyond the obvious in an attempt to not let the blacks come in. I think this force is the one which was a little misunderstood. But I think it is equally necessary for stopping the lag factor to come in which then compels you to break down.

So as I said, its not that extremist line of thought you see. Life’s not about winning trophies to satisfy our egos..... Rationality is not about having objects in your life instead of people. It goes a little beyond that - Its about loving to be in an emotional situation (that’s coz people love you) but still not making the love a reason to commit a wrong. Love is love and similarly right is right, both cant be debated.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Stop.... Rewind...... Play !!!!!!

How many times do we feel that Oh I could just go back in time and do this this way or that way????

Of late, I have been just reminded of one song - "Us Mod se shuru karein phir yeh zindagi; har sheh jahan haseen thi, hum tum the ajnabi" (Lets go back in time again and start our lives from the point when everything was so beautiful and both of us were strangers)

What a thought. Really speaks my mind out. As in giving words to my thoughts. Yes they were beautiful times, lovely ones. I would love to go back then and place myself there. When I didnt know you and you didnt know me. The time when I didnt expect anything, neither did you. The time when both of us were free and happy souls. The time when all we could think of was that day as if there were no yesterday and there would be no tomorrow. Yes they were great times.

Can I go back there and do all that I should have? Can I say sorry to all whom I've hurt? Can I go back in time and hug all those people I didnt coz I thought its okay and took it for granted? Can I go back and not sleep so as to enjoy that time to the fullest? Can I go back in time and just sit under the moon observing its moves?

A million things I'd like to set straight if I could but cant. All that is left of it is a wish, a prayer, a need to relive those times, to be that innocent fool, to laugh out at someone and be laughed at in turn, not being scared in speaking your heart out no matter who the audience is, not thinking twice before waking you up at the middle of the night just to say I love you. All these were sweet things which seemed to have been lost out in the attempt to be mature and professional.

Looking back, I just have a few questions......
Am I more mature / pro etc etc today than I was yesterday?
What is the motivation for me today to do anything that I do? Is it stronger than what it used to be back then?
Have I lost out on my identity and my persona in this attempt?
Am I the same person anymore?

If I am the same person that I used to be, whay this dissent? Why does the vibrancy of the city appear as a noise to me? Why do the nights seem as an alarm for an early day tomorrow rather than an opportunity to dream, look forward, look inside? Why does the rain become a hassle now when it used to be the most beautiful thing back then? Whay have I become so concious of what I eat and not enjoy the junk being sold by the roadsides? Why to I feel as if trapped in an alien body?
The way forward from here - learn to adjust to the new life!!! Look at the brighter side of what you have!!! All that gyan........ But more honestly, there aint much that can be done about it now, the time has gone, the bird has taken its flight...... All that is to look after is the next bird............

Instead of it being a STOP....REWIND....PLAY as I would have wanted; its actually a STOP....PAUSE....PLAY. Life isnt so benevolent to you but fair enough.......