Thursday, April 22, 2010

A blessing in disguise.......

All my life, I always thought that one of the most difficult things for me would be to handle loneliness. People often tell me I am the extrovert kind and I guess I can attribute the fear of loneliness to that coupled with the fact that I am a compulsive talker and need people around me. However, of late I think I have managed to come out of this phobia and that too without losing anything, rather gaining a lot.

It all started quite a while back when I chose to stay alone, aloof and isolated - not completely though but yes to quite an extent. I remember a few nights of my life when I used to simply get dead drunk and go down to Worli Sea face (an sea facing area in Mumbai) at 2-3 in the night. For no reason ofcourse and then used to sit there all by myself, the sea and my wandering thoughts for hours at stretch. It wasnt the most happening period of my life and I used to think over a lot of things (some required, some not required). Therein I noticed that if you keep looking at the same thing for a very long time, you get to see a lot more than you want to or could normally. A natural instinct I believe. For example, on one such night, I saw a sea gull who was trying very hard to fly against the wind but kept failing at each attempt as the wind was very strong. It was tired after trying for an hour or so but didnt let go and finally waited for some time on the ground before taking its successful leap.
On another occassion, I was having a day with the waves crashing against the rocks, they got bigger and bigger and then shrunk in an opposite sequence. Whatever the strength of the waves, I felt that the water somehow was in love with the sea and wanted to go back to it without wasting a moment. Something very silly, very commonplace (One might say, ofcourse it does so - thats why you have water in the sea). Agreed but I dont know why but just applying these things to ones life and incidents around you might give you a new perspective of things. A lot of things..... Some I have managed to decipher and decode, some still await an understanding.

So I took to isolation (to an extent) as a remedy. I thought probably it is the worst way to counter a situation but actually it turned out otherwise. I could see a lot of things with a new found objectivity which probably lacked earlier. Learnt a few things that I did not know earlier, broke some of the misconceptions that I had (about me as well as many other things)... but most importantly I had a reinvented belief in life and moreso in the superior power that guides us. I think all this while, I was fighting life but I guess that aint the way to go.... You can walk together and make a lot more out of it rather than being a misguided revolutionary......

I dont know whether it actually worked for me or not but YES I do know that I am at peace with myself. I am more happy and contented now with a new outlook to things and I guess that is reason enough for me to have a smile on my face..... :)

Monday, March 8, 2010

There's a new sunrise tomorrow, so keep breathing!!!

Last night I watched Cast Away for the nth number of time. It indeed is one of my favourite movies. Every time I watch it I get to see something so new in the movie. So what did I observe last night which makes me write this post? :)

Well last night what caught my eye in the movie was the amazing story of Kelly (Helen Hunt) and Chuck (Tom Hanks) who are married and are madly in love with each other until Chuck meets an acident which leaves him stranded in an isolated uninhabited island for 4 years through which he learns to live like our predecessors did. His only ray of hope is a picture of Kelly that he carries with himself. The twist is when Chuck finally manages to escape the island on a hand made raft, he finds out that Kelly has married someone else and also has a kid. Further we get to know that Kelly had done all in her power to search for Chuck and also waited for him until long after his pseudo cremation in America was carried out with the belief that he is alive and would one day return but fate choose otherwise and she somewhere lost hope and had to move on with her life. In a very intense scene, it is shown that when they finally meet each other after this long gap, Kelly is tempted to return with Chuck despite her family responsibilities as a mother and a wife but very soon regains composure and decides otherwise. So that was briefly what happened between Kelly and Chuck in the movie.

What it made me think was who's fault was it? Kelly's or Chuck's? Actually none were at fault and this realisation came as a shocker to someone like me who refuses to believe in the concept of fate. I just sat back for a while and started thinking of all the things around me and I really dont know why but I was kinda convinced that yes we are powerless and the reign is not in our hands. We are just a part of a bigger plan and are playing our roles as the director wants us to.

I guess a lot of us could relate to situations like this. At our workplace, between friends, family, love life..... everywhere. We are powerless and must do what he seeks us to do? Recently while reading about Lord Shiva somewhere, I understood that there is no good or bad, beautiful or ugly, righteous or vicious in Shiva's opinion who (Shiva) refuses to react or be impressed with all of world's materialistic offerings. They are just there as a part of the world. This is the objective reality of the universe, while we live in a subjective reality. We perceive things around us and that becomes our world but for sure there is a mighty force above it which unites / connects / disassociates many of our subjective worlds to each other. That force is supreme and most forceful.

This thought I think has provided me with a new outlook (if I may use that term) or at least a new way of thinking and looking at things in life. Will end this post with Chuck's final comments in the movie.
"I decided to end my life and I hung a log with a rope to a tree, the branch broke and at that moment I realised that I was powerless. I could not control anything. I just had to keep breathing, living. So I kept breathing with the hope that tomorrow's sunrise would bring something new. But I was thankful to Kelly for being there with me on that island all this time"

Will watch Cast Away again after a few days - Who knows what you may come out with this time :) Till then, keep breathing coz theres a new sunrise tomorrow.... :)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

An apology from me – to me

Well this is like my heart spilled out. People often say that when the storm passes by do you get to know what went wrong. This in a way is kinda close to it. I aint such a good writer that I can actually pen down each of my emotions today…… so for the lesser mortals like me, we seek solace from music greats. One such being Mettalica.
I really donno why I like this song so much. After a lot of grey cell pumping, I thought maybe the one person whom I need to apologise most to is myself – A wise man once said, you let things happen….. things just don’t happen by themselves…. Like we let the storm happen and then apologise, something similar.

This ones from Mettalica – Reload, its called Low Mans lyrics. I really don’t know why I listen to Mettalica so much now. I remember a time when I was a country music fan and couldn’t stand the likes of Mettalica and Iron Maiden. I thought these were more black, more devilish…. Something like disrupting peace. On the other hand, I cant handle country music today and Mettalica kinda soothes me down……. U never know whats really black / devilish / peaceful……….. Dissented Unisons I guess…..

Enjoy the lyrics.... Have highlighted my favorite parts in bold and heres the link to the song on you tube

My eyes seek reality, My fingers seek my veins,
There's a dog at your back step, He must come in from the rain
I fall cause I let go, The net below has rot away
So my eyes seek reality, And my fingers seek my veins

The trash fire is warm, But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bear to see, What I've let me be, So wicked and worn

So as I write to you, Of what is done and to do, Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man, cause low man is due, Please forgive me

My eyes seek reality, My fingers feel for faith
Touch clean with a dirty hand, I touch the clean to the waste

The trash fire is warm, But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bear to see, What I've let me be, So wicked and worn

So as I write to you, Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand, and won't cry for this man, cause low man is due
Please forgive me, Please forgive me, Please forgive me

So low the sky is all I see, All I want from you is forgive me
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain, Though he just wants right back out again

And I cry, to the alleyway, Confess all to the rain
But I lie, lie straight to the mirror, The one I've broken, to match my face

The trash fire is warm, But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bear to see, What I've let me be, So wicked and worn

So as I write to you, Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand, And won't cry for this man, cause low man is due,
Please forgive me, Please forgive me,

So low the sky is all I see, All I want from you is forgive me
So you bring this poor dog in from the rain, Though he just wants right back out again

My eyes seek reality, My fingers seek my veins

Friday, April 24, 2009

The Rational vs The Emotional

Many a people have told me that I am a very rational person and lack emotions and practicality. They also tell me quite often that things according to me stand only in Blacks and whites and a grey doesn’t exist. To all my well-wishers I bow down and say thanks for your opinions - they are highly rated but I think the concept has been a little misunderstood. Allow me to explain :)

The debate that I hold is not between the rational and the emotional. Rather it is more about following the right path - the path of righteousness, which is not a rosy one and demands a lot of one. Very often in my encounters with different kind of people at various junctures, I have met people who can very easily dismiss this thought. The reason being lack of practicality - they kind of preempt results and the results then become impractical. So why do it? The bigger question here is how long can you ignore it? If one were to tell me that he did not see the right path even in the middle of all the chaos in his life - it would be difficult to digest. It is just that we dismiss the thought.
So then what becomes of the situation we are stranded in? What is the difference between the definitions of my well-wishers and that of mine own? The difference is the preemption of the rational as an extremist and the emotional as accommodative. They hold this view.
Lets look at it this way, all of us at many times have come across incidences in our lives wherein we were loaded with an emotional baggage and were asked to make a choice between the right and the not so right (most often this came as a result of the emotional bombardment). What did we choose then? Did we choose to be better men or did we choose to be a better son/daughter/brother/lover/husband.........? Were we blinded and did not see the right path? What was it that we leveraged out of the situation? What would have been the best thing to do?

Emotional incidences and situations in my belief just pose a challenge to your thoughts and beliefs - how strong are they? Would you break down or would you continue o do what is right? Maybe there'll be a result as you desired, maybe not. You never know - but there is certainly one surety you'll have and that would be that you own self esteem and honour in your own eyes would not diminish. You'll sleep peacefully. We may choose to ignore the righteous path today but tomorrow it'll surely haunt us and eat us from within.

Coming down to the colours - the blacks, whites and the greys..... Its not people who are either black or white. It’s the above reactions which make you stand in these sections at various junctures of your life. Whenever I choose the righteous path, I score a white and whenever I succumb to my surroundings and end up sacrificing my righteousness, I score a black. It’s like a continous game that goes on. If by your experience, you can tell me one man in history that we can classify in only one of the brackets - I would be amazed. My role model is Che Guevera - He scored a lot of whites. He left his promising career as a doctor, left the aristocracy he would have had as lineage, fought for what he believed in, never gave up in testing times, worked towards the upliftment of the poor and the downtrodden and many more..... Lotsa whites. HE KILLED MANY INNOCENT PEOPLE WHILE DOING ALL THIS. Now there’s a black. Maybe had Che been alive, he would have showed us many more blacks...... So the point I'm trying to drive home here is that noone can be neither wrong nor right. He is either wrong or right. In a way, the summation of our lives is nothing but an equation of these whites and blacks. How do we correct the blacks and how do we try not to commit more of them - the only path is by choosing the whites. It’s not so extremist you see...... :)

The above makes you a very forceful person - determined to go beyond the obvious in an attempt to not let the blacks come in. I think this force is the one which was a little misunderstood. But I think it is equally necessary for stopping the lag factor to come in which then compels you to break down.

So as I said, its not that extremist line of thought you see. Life’s not about winning trophies to satisfy our egos..... Rationality is not about having objects in your life instead of people. It goes a little beyond that - Its about loving to be in an emotional situation (that’s coz people love you) but still not making the love a reason to commit a wrong. Love is love and similarly right is right, both cant be debated.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Stop.... Rewind...... Play !!!!!!

How many times do we feel that Oh I could just go back in time and do this this way or that way????

Of late, I have been just reminded of one song - "Us Mod se shuru karein phir yeh zindagi; har sheh jahan haseen thi, hum tum the ajnabi" (Lets go back in time again and start our lives from the point when everything was so beautiful and both of us were strangers)

What a thought. Really speaks my mind out. As in giving words to my thoughts. Yes they were beautiful times, lovely ones. I would love to go back then and place myself there. When I didnt know you and you didnt know me. The time when I didnt expect anything, neither did you. The time when both of us were free and happy souls. The time when all we could think of was that day as if there were no yesterday and there would be no tomorrow. Yes they were great times.

Can I go back there and do all that I should have? Can I say sorry to all whom I've hurt? Can I go back in time and hug all those people I didnt coz I thought its okay and took it for granted? Can I go back and not sleep so as to enjoy that time to the fullest? Can I go back in time and just sit under the moon observing its moves?

A million things I'd like to set straight if I could but cant. All that is left of it is a wish, a prayer, a need to relive those times, to be that innocent fool, to laugh out at someone and be laughed at in turn, not being scared in speaking your heart out no matter who the audience is, not thinking twice before waking you up at the middle of the night just to say I love you. All these were sweet things which seemed to have been lost out in the attempt to be mature and professional.

Looking back, I just have a few questions......
Am I more mature / pro etc etc today than I was yesterday?
What is the motivation for me today to do anything that I do? Is it stronger than what it used to be back then?
Have I lost out on my identity and my persona in this attempt?
Am I the same person anymore?

If I am the same person that I used to be, whay this dissent? Why does the vibrancy of the city appear as a noise to me? Why do the nights seem as an alarm for an early day tomorrow rather than an opportunity to dream, look forward, look inside? Why does the rain become a hassle now when it used to be the most beautiful thing back then? Whay have I become so concious of what I eat and not enjoy the junk being sold by the roadsides? Why to I feel as if trapped in an alien body?
The way forward from here - learn to adjust to the new life!!! Look at the brighter side of what you have!!! All that gyan........ But more honestly, there aint much that can be done about it now, the time has gone, the bird has taken its flight...... All that is to look after is the next bird............

Instead of it being a STOP....REWIND....PLAY as I would have wanted; its actually a STOP....PAUSE....PLAY. Life isnt so benevolent to you but fair enough.......

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Balance Sheet Effect

Assets = Liabilities. This was one of the first rules I learnt of accountancy in my school days. It stuck to me whenever I sat for an accountancy examination and was the guiding light. Never did I knew how true it would be for my life's balance sheet as well......

Those following this blog would know how many of the good news I have had to share amongst all. Those were good times for me when I thought now I was in control and nothing can go wrong. This was to be but not for long and my worst nightmares started to come true. THE BALANCE SHEET suddenly became unequal. So Mr God up there decided to equalise it and all my sand castles started to come down - one after the other. The happiness that came across was forceful - the balancing effect had double its force. It hit where it hurt the most. Probably coz in the entire euphoria, I somehow happened to ignore that there were fundamental problems with my castels - they were not water proof.

Actually I think this year for me has been very similar to the stock market..... Initial euphoria - Stock market rising..... Up Up Up (the initial 5-6 months of this year for me) and then suddenly came the satanic forces of the global crisis (US goofed up and the Indian market fell down - this analogy only a few would understand who know me well, so dont wreck your brains on it).

Still waiting for the stock markets to recover - maybe it'll be a different sector this time or a different country which pulls it up.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Mid Year Update

My last entry had come in when the year began, now this one is coming in in the middle of the year...... My researchers' mind says that the next one is due sometime in December :) But its really a shame on my part to have behaved like this. Yet again, I broke my promise to be more regular on my blog. So learning from my past mistakes, I wont say that this time but try to do it.

That reminds me that I have been trying to do a lot of things of late...... Lets start with how these months went by;

What happened to my agenda - Things to do for 2008 (refer to my last blog)

To start off with, I did buy my dream bike - The Royal Enfield 350cc Electra on the 9th of May and I'm damn exhilarated whenever I drive it. I know its not a big deal but its like the first cycle for a child - nothing like it then (remember your first time :)). It cost me a hell lot on my pocket as the interest rates are also up but its okay, I did managed it and the wait was over.

Secondly, I am now writing this from Mumbai which means that I managed to get transfered to Mumbai as I had thought of - closer now to my loved ones and friends :) Another reason for me to have a big grin on my face. Got shifted in the middle of March and things have been good since then, better than Delhi in terms of my personal life. As for the most often debated subject of Delhi vs Mumbai - which is better, maybe on my next post.

Thirdly, my elder sister got married in April this year and things have been good for her as well since then. yet another reason for me to be happy. :) :)

So lots of positives till now apart from a few here and there type sad events but thats fine as I keep taking it as a part of the game. Its okay or else you tend to miss out on the fun ;)

Today is a special day for me as I have started off to quit smoking - at least reduce it considerably. I know that in one of my posts I had said that it would go down with me to my grave but that was out of the love for it. Today, I'm trying to quit for something which is more valuable to me than it. Fair trade I guess. You give some, you take some. Lets see how far I go, This is a serious attempt and I do plan to pull this act through. Wish me luck :)

More on my next post. Till then, enjoy and keep reading.......... :)